Archive for the ‘Internet’ Category

Chain blog post

April 14, 2012

The Argumentative Old Git has very kindly nominated me to participate in a meme/chain letter-type thing. Well, I customarily pride myself on my adamantine resistance to chain letters, exhortations to ‘post this as ur facebook status for 1 hour’ and the like. But I can’t ignore a meme. Thank you kindly, Old Git.

It is now incumbent upon me to:

1) tell everyone something about myself that nobody else knows

2) link to a post that fits the following categories: most beautiful piece; most helpful piece; most popular piece; most underrated piece; most pride-worthy piece; most surprisingly successful piece; most controversial piece

and, finally,

3) nominate 7 other bloggers to participate

Let’s get going.

1) Hard, this. If you’ve read this blog before, you will know that writing about myself is probably my greatest preoccupation, and one from which the existence of a presumably infinite number of more fascinating subjects has seldom distracted me. But, having racked my brains, there is one thing I have not mentioned before. When I am watching television on my own and see someone being interviewed, I sometimes pause or mute the television and answer the question on their behalf. If it’s a sporting interview, I can usually be assured of providing a more interesting and/or erudite response than the interviewee. But the other week I was Sammy Davis, Jr. for a short period. A bit presumptuous for a middle-class white boy, but that’s the way I roll. My shameful secret no more. I suppose it arises from the lamentable fact that nobody is asking me questions on TV, in spite of my periodic desire for them to do so, even if it’s only about how City failed to find the net in the second half despite the two-man advantage.

2) A rather narcissistic exercise, but it will be over soon, and perhaps you would like to google some pornography afterwards to cleanse your soul.

Most beautiful piece: this is my most beautiful piece, and will remain so until such time as the YouTube video embedded in it is removed. It contains a lot of Brahms and not very much of me, and that is as it should be. Click on it and press play before continuing.

Most helpful piece: if this blog is ever helpful, it happens by accident. Certainly my intention is to misinform as much as possible. But it is nice when people come across it by chance because it provides something of particular interest to them. I think of welcome comments on my posts about the sculptor Georg Ehrlich and Eric Linklater’s novel The Wind on the Moon.

Most popular piece: 10 Beatles songs. I suspect this has been the most popular post in terms of hits because of referrals from Google Image Search. Still, some good stuff there.

Most underrated piece: a couple of pieces I am fond of, both of which refer tangentially to L.P. Hartley’s The Go-Between, have been spectacularly underperused. They are Memory triggers, in which I successfully predicted that Carlos Tévez would score away at Blackpool, and A fantasy, which at a measly 5 hits is my least loved blog post. Perhaps it’s just that Hartley isn’t cool.

Most pride-worthy piece: I suppose I’m happy when I write something that rises above the mundane. There are a couple of moderately successful poetic pastiches here and here.

Most surprisingly successful piece: there was quite a lot of traffic when I wrote about the final of BBC Young Musician of the Year 2010, perhaps because so few other people appeared to be doing the same. Until last month, the day on which I posted it was the blog’s busiest one.

Most controversial piece: oh, you’ve got the wrong blog. But I imagine this would ruffle a few feathers if it got into the wrong hands.

3) Forgive me for neglecting to nominate seven other bloggers to take part. It’s not that I don’t care. But if you would like to, please follow this example. It’s been fun looking over the past couple of years and finding things I’d quite forgotten I’d written. Shalom.

i ordered the bionic woman weeks ago

November 25, 2011

Occasionally, an Amazon Marketplace seller who has hitherto fulfilled orders in an exemplary manner will suddenly stop doing so. Who knows why this happens? But all buyers have a right to reply if their goods fail to arrive, and what they write may speak volumes – though not, interestingly, about the seller. Let’s take the example of one who suddenly dropped out of the picture in summer 2009, and the feedback he received, which I split for convenience into a number of categories.

Curt

1/5:
“Thief”

1/5:
“appauling!”

Presumptuous

1/5:
“This man is either lying dead in his bed or he is a crook. I suspect he is the latter. Thank you Amazon for refunding quickly and without problems. This guy is a rotten apple in Amazon’s fruit basket. People like him are party poopers when trying to have fun on the internet. Allas.”

1/5:
“this person is so desperate for money that he or she has to fraudulently obtain people’s hard earned cash for products they do not provide. I will try to summon up the pity for he or she, very sad case in life that they obviously do not have the brain power or social skills to earn money via legal means. Sleep well you sad waste of earth space. May you return as a space bar. Loser.”

Indulgent

1/5:
“I suspect the seller may have taken ill. Very strange.” [One mark out of five for the bastard's immune system.]

3/5:
“No sign of DVD after three weeks, nor any reply to either of two e-mails, but something disposes me to be merciful. It’s undoubtedly irritating, but it’s hardly the end of the world, and I dare say I may be able to get a refund from Amazon. Perhaps the seller has been prevented from fulfilling orders because of being struck down by swine flu, for instance. I do hope not.”

3/5:
“Perhaps the seller has been physically unable to fulfill orders and reply to Emails because of severe illness, accident or worse as they had good feedback before all these negative comments.”

Moralising

1/5:
“No delivery of item Emailed this person… no response Do not buy from this person… I hope youre conscience speaks to you about your actions… You will have to face your maker one day and give an account of your actions… You need to repent! ”

1/5:
“Is this really the kind of human being you want to be???”

Cockney

1/5:
“what a dip stick this geezer realy is. no replies and no dvds. why does amazon let him sell on here?”

Irate

1/5:
“***BE WARNED***THIS GUY IS A F*****G CROOK.HARD TO KNOW WHETHER TO WANNA RIP HIS HEAD OFF OR FEEL SORRY FOR HIM THAT HE STOOPS SO LOW AS TO ROB PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET FOR A FEW QUID. ANYWAY MY EXPERIENCE IS PRETTY MUCH THE SAME AS NEARLY EVERYONE ELSE,ITEMS DIDNT ARRIVE AND NO RESPONSE TO EMAILS.I GOT REFUNDED BY AMAZON. SO I REPEAT ***BE WARNED***DO NOT TOUCH THIS GUY WITHA BARGEPOLE!!”

1/5:
“DO NOT USE THIS SELLER IF YOU WANT TO BE RIPPED OFF. CROOK AND THEIF. ITEMS NEVER ARRIVE. F*****G D******D”

Contradictory

1/5:
“It was a con. Goods did arrive. No replies. Had to use Amazon Marketplace guarentee to get money back.”

Scatological

1/5:
“What a piece of fecal matter. same as the you guys no goods no replies to emails. Amazon you need to up your game”

1/5:
“another one that they have ripped off, get rid of this excrament from amazon, no sorry, they are the smeggy bacteria that live and suck on excrament, hope you die!”

Bionic

1/5:
“i ordered the bionic woman weeks ago now and i am still waiting for it if you are not going to send it to me could you please refund the cash please i have waited an extra week so could you please let me know what you intend to do thankyou”

1/5:
“Never received Bionic Woman DVD set. Judging by the other feedback for this seller, he’s either very sick (maybe dead) or a thief. Given a choice I”d rather have him die on me then steal from me.”

Immoderate

1/5:
“the lowest life-form on earth .. ”

Eeyore

1/5:
“it goes without saying but its all the better for being said, if something seems too good to be true it proberly is, as in this case, no item has been received and no acknowledgement from seller to my email, I should have read the reviews which sum this seller up”

Oblique

1/5:
“Is there room for one more in this boat before it sinks? Three of three items, 1 week overdue: No response. The rats have fled. Goodbye. Your time is up.”

Part of a bionic woman. Image from Wikimedia Commons

Is it possible, I wonder, to identify some correlation between spelling/literacy and anger level? I confess, I hesitate to give such trash an outlet on my blog (though, as you might justifiably point out, it hasn’t stopped me before). After all, what is more depressing about the internet than the instinct for attacking others that it evidently gives people? But perhaps we can laugh at things like this. It’s almost worth the trouble of setting up a fake Amazon account to watch these people in action.

Captain Feathersword

November 17, 2011

This is the content of a spam email that I received in February 2007. I’m not sure what it was trying to sell me. Some reading between the lines may be necessary to divine that. But it contains a number of striking phrases, most of them seemingly stolen from other websites – blogs, news and self-help. The cumulative effect is to create a found poem of dare I say ethereal beauty? No. But a found poem nonetheless.

I always suspected Captain Feathersword was the one that got passed around amongst the Wiggles like new meat on cell block A.

Johnson is a managing partner of Maximum Reimbursement, a practice management company.

By following the same kind of healthy borrowing practices that you had before your bankruptcy, you can slowly re-establish your credit rating.

this is my payment for letting him borrow The Sculptress by Minette Walters, The Alienist by Caleb Carr, and Lonesome freaking Dove, among others.

What if you’re house hunting and you just need a few extra points to bump you over the line to the great rates?

The Academy loves to think they really, like, feel your pain, man.

Access Error

Headline functionality has been disabled from your intranet.

Officials said X-rays had revealed banned products but would not give any further details.

I’m lending him Sam Harris’ The End of Faith next.

driving a pickup with a pair of truck balls.

For example, taking lunch to work instead of buying one will save quite a bit of money.

And yet, while you’ll find lots of advice about the practical aspects of debt management, there is precious little help available for the psychological side of things.

Annual percentage rates are another variable to keep in mind when applying for secured cards.

Here are some ways to get credit after bankruptcy.

And the sword of feathers.

They may specialize in these kinds of high risk loans.

I found it hilarious.

Schumacher to race in WSK?

Altman, who died in November, is also nominated for best director for A Prairie Home Companion.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you “Love Song,” by Tesla.

She was a better liberal than me: I don’t think I ever felt sorry for Nixon.

They constantly validate my feelings of genetic and intellectual superiority.

She was also ordered to attend anger management classes and i

if your name starts with T.

That’s the one that I really can’t stand.

A make-up for snubbing his Pluto Nash performance!

I want to smack her in the nose with them.

Are these people really important to you?

Have a bad credit rating and you want to borrow some money.

Can chocolate be healthy?

Captain Feathersword's companion. Image from Wikimedia Commons

Ave atque Vale

June 28, 2011

This is just to say goodbye. Well, not forever. But perhaps until some point in September. At the moment I’m writing another blog with my librarian hat on, and it is consuming too much of my time for me to be able to concentrate on that one and this simultaneously. But rest assured, I shall return. I dare say you’ll cope.

I fully intend to be back before the leaves lose their greenness, but shall leave you with an autumnal piece by way of valediction. Enjoy!


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