Remember when The Simpsons was good? With a nod to Eye on Springfield, here’s a selection of some of my favourite bits.
Voice: Hello, and welcome to the Springfield Police Department rescuephone. If you know the name of the felony being committed, press one. To choose from a list of felonies, press two. If you are being murdered or calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line.
[Bart groans, presses random numbers in frustration]
Voice: You have selected regicide. If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one.
from 1F22 Bart of Darkness
[Bart walks past with Snowball 2 glued to his back]
Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No… He looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart’s activities, but then I’d be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we’d get the chair.
Marge: That’s not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.
from 2F04 Bart’s Girlfriend
Godfrey Jones: Tonight on Rock Bottom, we go undercover at a sex farm for sex hookers.
Yokel: I keep tellin’ you, I just grow sorghum here.
Interviewer: Uh-huh. And where are the hookers?
Yokel: ‘Round back. Oops.
from 2F06 Homer Badman
Homer: I hope I haven’t upset you – bongohead!
[starts playing Burns’ head like a pair of bongos]
Burns: Oh, I should be resisting this, but I’m paralysed with rage – and island rhythms!
[Homer drives through the plant]
Carl: Way to play the boss’s head like a bongo, Homer!
Lenny: He’s getting a pretty good sound out of that guy.
from 2F10 And Maggie Makes Three
Moe: Hey, uh, I got an idea. We can play a game to pass the time. Uh, I’ll make the sound of a barnyard animal, and, uh, you all try to guess what it is. Ahem. Aahaaaouhahaaahagh-haahaouaagh.
from 2F11 Bart’s Comet
Lisa: Hey, Dad. What you doing?
Homer: Daddy has very important work to do. He’s looking through the want ads to find a part-time job.
Lisa: Dad, that’s a gag paper we got at the carnival.
Homer: Oh. No wonder I didn’t hear about Bart being elected world’s greatest sex machine.
from 2F14 Homer vs. Patty and Selma
Moleman: Hans Moleman Productions presents “Man getting hit by football”.
from 2F31 A Star is Burns
Announcer: Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties. Please, do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.
[Wiggum lifts the covers]
Wiggum: Well, I’ll be damned.
from 2F18 Two Dozen and One Greyhounds
Marge: I got a report on a domestic disturbance at this address.
Skinner: Yes, indeed there is. There’s an inflatable bath pillow that Mother and I both enjoy. She claimed it was her day to use it, I maintained she was mistaken, we quarrelled. Later, as I prepared to bathe, I noticed to my horror that someone had slashed the pillow.
Marge: Uh-huh. Who called the police?
Skinner and Agnes: We both did.
Marge: Look, why don’t you two settle down? I’m sure you can get another pillow.
Skinner: Well, I could send it back to Taiwan for repair, but why should I have to? I’ve done nothing wrong. And I don’t give permission for my face to be on TV. I want it blurred!
[Skinner’s face becomes pixellated]
from 2F21 The Springfield Connection
Smithers: [over intercom] Principal Skinner, this is your secretary. There is one last student here to see you.
Skinner: That’s odd. I don’t have a secretary – or an intercom. But send him in.
[Burns enters dressed like Jimbo]
Burns: Ahoy there, Dean. I understand you’re taking suggestions from students, eh? Well, me and my fourth-form chums think it would be quite corking if you’d sign over your oil well to the local energy concern.
Skinner: [clears throat] Mr. Burns?
Skinner: It was naive of you to think I would mistake this town’s most prominent 104-year-old man for one of my elementary school students.
from 2F16 Who Shot Mr Burns? Part One