i ordered the bionic woman weeks ago

Occasionally, an Amazon Marketplace seller who has hitherto fulfilled orders in an exemplary manner will suddenly stop doing so. Who knows why this happens? But all buyers have a right to reply if their goods fail to arrive, and what they write may speak volumes – though not, interestingly, about the seller. Let’s take the example of one who suddenly dropped out of the picture in summer 2009, and the feedback he received, which I split for convenience into a number of categories.

Curt

1/5:
“Thief”

1/5:
“appauling!”

Presumptuous

1/5:
“This man is either lying dead in his bed or he is a crook. I suspect he is the latter. Thank you Amazon for refunding quickly and without problems. This guy is a rotten apple in Amazon’s fruit basket. People like him are party poopers when trying to have fun on the internet. Allas.”

1/5:
“this person is so desperate for money that he or she has to fraudulently obtain people’s hard earned cash for products they do not provide. I will try to summon up the pity for he or she, very sad case in life that they obviously do not have the brain power or social skills to earn money via legal means. Sleep well you sad waste of earth space. May you return as a space bar. Loser.”

Indulgent

1/5:
“I suspect the seller may have taken ill. Very strange.” [One mark out of five for the bastard’s immune system.]

3/5:
“No sign of DVD after three weeks, nor any reply to either of two e-mails, but something disposes me to be merciful. It’s undoubtedly irritating, but it’s hardly the end of the world, and I dare say I may be able to get a refund from Amazon. Perhaps the seller has been prevented from fulfilling orders because of being struck down by swine flu, for instance. I do hope not.”

3/5:
“Perhaps the seller has been physically unable to fulfill orders and reply to Emails because of severe illness, accident or worse as they had good feedback before all these negative comments.”

Moralising

1/5:
“No delivery of item Emailed this person… no response Do not buy from this person… I hope youre conscience speaks to you about your actions… You will have to face your maker one day and give an account of your actions… You need to repent! ”

1/5:
“Is this really the kind of human being you want to be???”

Cockney

1/5:
“what a dip stick this geezer realy is. no replies and no dvds. why does amazon let him sell on here?”

Irate

1/5:
“***BE WARNED***THIS GUY IS A F*****G CROOK.HARD TO KNOW WHETHER TO WANNA RIP HIS HEAD OFF OR FEEL SORRY FOR HIM THAT HE STOOPS SO LOW AS TO ROB PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET FOR A FEW QUID. ANYWAY MY EXPERIENCE IS PRETTY MUCH THE SAME AS NEARLY EVERYONE ELSE,ITEMS DIDNT ARRIVE AND NO RESPONSE TO EMAILS.I GOT REFUNDED BY AMAZON. SO I REPEAT ***BE WARNED***DO NOT TOUCH THIS GUY WITHA BARGEPOLE!!”

1/5:
“DO NOT USE THIS SELLER IF YOU WANT TO BE RIPPED OFF. CROOK AND THEIF. ITEMS NEVER ARRIVE. F*****G D******D”

Contradictory

1/5:
“It was a con. Goods did arrive. No replies. Had to use Amazon Marketplace guarentee to get money back.”

Scatological

1/5:
“What a piece of fecal matter. same as the you guys no goods no replies to emails. Amazon you need to up your game”

1/5:
“another one that they have ripped off, get rid of this excrament from amazon, no sorry, they are the smeggy bacteria that live and suck on excrament, hope you die!”

Bionic

1/5:
“i ordered the bionic woman weeks ago now and i am still waiting for it if you are not going to send it to me could you please refund the cash please i have waited an extra week so could you please let me know what you intend to do thankyou”

1/5:
“Never received Bionic Woman DVD set. Judging by the other feedback for this seller, he’s either very sick (maybe dead) or a thief. Given a choice I”d rather have him die on me then steal from me.”

Immoderate

1/5:
“the lowest life-form on earth .. ”

Eeyore

1/5:
“it goes without saying but its all the better for being said, if something seems too good to be true it proberly is, as in this case, no item has been received and no acknowledgement from seller to my email, I should have read the reviews which sum this seller up”

Oblique

1/5:
“Is there room for one more in this boat before it sinks? Three of three items, 1 week overdue: No response. The rats have fled. Goodbye. Your time is up.”

Part of a bionic woman. Image from Wikimedia Commons

Is it possible, I wonder, to identify some correlation between spelling/literacy and anger level? I confess, I hesitate to give such trash an outlet on my blog (though, as you might justifiably point out, it hasn’t stopped me before). After all, what is more depressing about the internet than the instinct for attacking others that it evidently gives people? But perhaps we can laugh at things like this. It’s almost worth the trouble of setting up a fake Amazon account to watch these people in action.

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7 Responses to “i ordered the bionic woman weeks ago”

  1. Mike Alexander Says:

    Very amusing, though not a patch on the Peter Andre & Katie Price charity record phenomenon. Best. Amazon. Event. Ever.

  2. Sam Says:

    This is really interesting; it made me think of something I heard on the radio the other day along the lines of ‘the internet gives an outlet for a level of rudeness that people would never dare commit face to face’ (I paraphrase). I’d never thought about it like that before, but it struck me as quite possibly true. And then it struck me that it *has* now spilled over into everyday interactions… and I realised that I too am guilty of it (especially when riding my bike). This made me very sad, but the good thing about this realisation is that I’m now making a very conscious effort to be less irate and more forgiving – and this in turn has made me happier and more relaxed! Everyone’s a winner 🙂

  3. Gareth Says:

    Mike, I am frequently prompted to buy said album, and informed that people who searched for it also searched for ‘Photographic Print of Benign tumour’. I don’t really see the connection. There are many words I would use to describe Katie Price, but benign is not one of them.

  4. Simon Horne Says:

    1/5

    I’m very dissapointed that this blog entry is not about the author’s genuine trials and tribulations of attempting to order Lindsey Wagner over the internet.

    PS Gareth I think you’ve omitted Stupid – where the buyer clearly doesn’t know what they are buying

    e.g. For Sale 00 gauge Hornby Replica of the Flying Scotsman
    1/5 – Was disappointed to open the parcel to find this is a TOY – it’s nowhere near the size of the original

  5. Gareth Says:

    Sam – it’s astonishing how rude the anonymity of the internet allows people to be. But I try to keep in mind that the vast majority of these people must be nicer in real life than they are online, and would only wish you dead secretly and not to your face, otherwise my faith in humanity would dissolve entirely.

    Simes – I try to be charitable to Amazonian idiots, but the ones who really exercise me are those who can’t tell the difference between seller feedback and product reviews. The very fact that I have this opinion is surely indicative of my need to get a life.

  6. Tom Says:

    I wonder what Valerie Stanley tried buying? I assume the second Irate comment is from her, anyway.

  7. Gareth Says:

    It was some blue stones for Colin Coles’ birthday.

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