Christmas is barely a month away, and yesterday I bought my Christmas cards. I worked with Christmas cards in my gap year, as chronicled elsewhere, but my interest in the Christmas card goes back to infancy. Discovered recently, a playlet I wrote aged about six or seven. Tragically it was never staged. My transcription below the original playscript has amended some unorthodox capitalisation of letters. When Robert says he has made 28,000,00 Christmas cards I think we are meant to infer that he is prone to exaggeration, not that he is resourceful.
A play presents
KIDNAPPED CHRISTMAS CARDS
Robert I’ve been making Christmas cards
Jennifer So have I
Robber I’d like to rob some great people
Jennifer How many Christmas cards have you made Robert
Jennifer Lets go to bed now it’s after 9.00
[Robber creeps up very quietly]
Robber Now I can steal their Christmas cards.
Robert [upstairs] I can hear footsteps downstairs. Do you think it’s mum back from her meeting.
Jennifer No! of course I don’t
Robert I’ll go downstairs to see.
Jennifer I don’t think you’d better, Robert
Robert I’m not frightened of anything. [boasts Robert] [continues] even if it’s a 5000 foot high bear. I can handle absolutely anything.
Jennifer Thats what you think
Robert Lets not get into an argue. I’ll go on down anyway I want a glass of water, and I’ll see who is downstairs as well. [Robert shouts upstairs to Jennifer] The person is a … ROBBER!
Jennifer Oh no … oh no!
Robert … and he’s robbed our Christmas C-A-R-d-S